i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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