Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
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