I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
