Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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