Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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