last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
