Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
