I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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