Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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