i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
