I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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