I wish my penis had an off switch
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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