Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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