Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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