I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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