I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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