You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
