do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
