ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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