I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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