I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
try to milk me bitch
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
