I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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