grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
