So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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