Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize