Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
