$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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