For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't put those talents on a resume
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
