a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
