Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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