just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
