does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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