Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I still have a little drunk in my system
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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