There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
