Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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