My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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