Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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