3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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