I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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