I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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