it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
