No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
