my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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