me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
