I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
