I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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