Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
