so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
