even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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