420 ftw
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
