Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
