I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
