I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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