Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
