Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
