i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
