So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
