I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
